Well when you've had a cancer diagnosis of course! I felt like I had finally gotten over the bizarreness of the summer when Bo started complaining about a lump under his tongue. So, remember the whole thing about his condition, whatever it is, is related to common salivary gland tumors, both malignant and benign. Wanting someone to check it, but not wanting to overreact, I called our dentist. I adore my dentist, but I admit I am still a little annoyed. He immediately referred us to a world-class surgical oncologist and made us spend a good solid weekend worrying. Of course by Monday we went back to the dentist who concluded that it was "just a lump," a common canker sore, to be specific, and it was gone. The lump and swollen node he felt a few days earlier were now hardly discernible. So, we still went to see the specialist on Tuesday who confirmed that everything was just fine.
But, it was not something I was prepared for, or warned about. Apparently, once you've been "marked" you no longer get to have normal ordinary ailments anymore. No doctor wants to make the call that it's "just a lump" or a sore, or anything, without referring to a specialist--CYA, I guess. I get that, and I could have expected it rationally, but I still wish I had the Dummies Guide to Cancer so I could have been properly warned that we, too, should hesistate before having every little lump or bump checked, and be prepared that every wart will be examined by an oncologist. Okay, I know that's an exaggeration, but it was not a fun weekend.
And on that note, our first Cancer Clubs will meet on Monday, October 27th, at 6:30, at Bethel Church. The kids' club will be for kids who have lost a parent to cancer. Our known attendees will be aged 10-14, but kids slightly older or younger are welcome to attend and we will break them up when we have enough members to form two groups. At the same time, the parents of these great kids will meet at a place in the building, or close by, where they too, can process their experiences--maybe the output from all our groups will be the true Dummies Guide to Surviving Cancer. If any of our Columbia friends want more information, feel free to contact me at thecancerclub@aol.com, or 573.268.4766!
Advertising these groups has truly been a rewarding labor of love. I have never felt so lucky to be working. Finding my way around the downtown churches was quite an adventure, but with the exception of one elementary school, people were so thankful and wonderful. I think being a kid is pretty darn hard, period, but being a kid that has to face such a huge loss, to put it bluntly, just sucks, and so if we can help even one kid have an easier time making lemonade out of life's lemons, I will have led a good life! So, back to making my own lemonade out of my crazy business... With love, Lisa
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
What do YOU do With Your Pain?
So, I have been processing a lot of things lately. I have had the time to step away from the summer and the pain and the fear and just think about what it all means. I have also been reading--yes, I know that scares you all, but reading is therapeutic for me. I have read a lot of books lately, Anne Lamott-Grace (Eventually), Glass Castle, a history of the Mormon church, and a bunch of other stuff, plus talking to people who might benefit or help in the development of our cancer center, and it got me thinking.
We all have pain in our hearts, maybe from childhood--mean kids at school, parents who always seemed to want that little extra, no matter how good you did, maybe it's from a current relationship, personal or business where you give a LOT more than you get, maybe it is children, who, for reasons you may never understand do not have the same relationship with you that you desire. Or, perhaps, you are the one in a million that has never experienced pain. In either case, what do you do with that? If your psyche is a suitcase, and all your "stuff" is packed in there, is it neat and tidy, is it really big and heavy, or do you disguise it with a mental "tablecloth" to make it prettier? Where does your baggage take you?
I have pain. I can admit that. It doesn't matter where it comes from--a large part of it has to do with being a "weird" and ugly kid and I can tell you if you really want to know--but what really matters is what I do with it. So many people carry their suitcase like a weapon, swinging it around and making sure no one gets close. A lot of people use it as a shield, so that no one gets close enough to look inside. Others hide it and pretend they don't have a suitcase, even though other people can feel that you seem to live in a big tent. I am sure I can't tell you what is in the bottom of my suitcase, but I do know that in many ways it sustains me. The fact that I know pain is what allows me to see the pain in others and try my very best to alleviate some of it, with all the power I have. I have learned that I am not very good at making money. But today when a customer told me that when she left last weekend and I told her to "enjoy her guests" and it resonated with her all weekend because, thanks to us, she WAS able to enjoy her guests, that sustains me.
I was raised a Lutheran and the major philosophical difference Martin Luther had with the Catholic Church was the notion that God's love is grace freely given--that we don't have to do lots of stuff to get it--but the corollary is that to whom much is given, much is expected. And I know that whatever pain I have experienced, there are others who have endured much more, and I have been given many gifts that I am obligated to share with others. I have been given health, a tiny bit of wealth (but since the DOW dropped another several hundred points today, it's a lot less than I wish!), a decent amount of intelligence and thanks to what is probably undiagnosed ADHD, a LOT of energy.
What do you do with your pain? Do you wallow in it, hide it, let it make you angry or distant and detached from others? I have done all of the above, sometimes. And sometimes the unproductive things feel good. I have spent the better part of the last day exuding vile rants on my corporate bulletin board because of some ridiculous changes they want to make--yeah, it kind of felt good, but then I tried to counter some of it by posting a few positive things that we have learned lately. It is good to work out that pain in the gym, that is way productive, and I have not done that nearly enough lately.
But the best way to channel pain is into preventing it. How can you use your gifts to improve the lives of everyone around you. If oyu have never read The Fred Factor, that's a good one to try, too. Fred was a mailman who made a difference just by being a mailman. We all have the power to make the world a better place and if we took just one capful of positive energy every day and pour it into the vat of humanity, we can make a great stew. Researching this cancer support center has nourished and energized me in ways I never imagined--then I got a cold, but I am pretty sure that's temporary and I am looking forward to moving onto great things. The weather in mid-MO has been phenomenal lately, I hope everyone is taking advantage, with love, Lisa
We all have pain in our hearts, maybe from childhood--mean kids at school, parents who always seemed to want that little extra, no matter how good you did, maybe it's from a current relationship, personal or business where you give a LOT more than you get, maybe it is children, who, for reasons you may never understand do not have the same relationship with you that you desire. Or, perhaps, you are the one in a million that has never experienced pain. In either case, what do you do with that? If your psyche is a suitcase, and all your "stuff" is packed in there, is it neat and tidy, is it really big and heavy, or do you disguise it with a mental "tablecloth" to make it prettier? Where does your baggage take you?
I have pain. I can admit that. It doesn't matter where it comes from--a large part of it has to do with being a "weird" and ugly kid and I can tell you if you really want to know--but what really matters is what I do with it. So many people carry their suitcase like a weapon, swinging it around and making sure no one gets close. A lot of people use it as a shield, so that no one gets close enough to look inside. Others hide it and pretend they don't have a suitcase, even though other people can feel that you seem to live in a big tent. I am sure I can't tell you what is in the bottom of my suitcase, but I do know that in many ways it sustains me. The fact that I know pain is what allows me to see the pain in others and try my very best to alleviate some of it, with all the power I have. I have learned that I am not very good at making money. But today when a customer told me that when she left last weekend and I told her to "enjoy her guests" and it resonated with her all weekend because, thanks to us, she WAS able to enjoy her guests, that sustains me.
I was raised a Lutheran and the major philosophical difference Martin Luther had with the Catholic Church was the notion that God's love is grace freely given--that we don't have to do lots of stuff to get it--but the corollary is that to whom much is given, much is expected. And I know that whatever pain I have experienced, there are others who have endured much more, and I have been given many gifts that I am obligated to share with others. I have been given health, a tiny bit of wealth (but since the DOW dropped another several hundred points today, it's a lot less than I wish!), a decent amount of intelligence and thanks to what is probably undiagnosed ADHD, a LOT of energy.
What do you do with your pain? Do you wallow in it, hide it, let it make you angry or distant and detached from others? I have done all of the above, sometimes. And sometimes the unproductive things feel good. I have spent the better part of the last day exuding vile rants on my corporate bulletin board because of some ridiculous changes they want to make--yeah, it kind of felt good, but then I tried to counter some of it by posting a few positive things that we have learned lately. It is good to work out that pain in the gym, that is way productive, and I have not done that nearly enough lately.
But the best way to channel pain is into preventing it. How can you use your gifts to improve the lives of everyone around you. If oyu have never read The Fred Factor, that's a good one to try, too. Fred was a mailman who made a difference just by being a mailman. We all have the power to make the world a better place and if we took just one capful of positive energy every day and pour it into the vat of humanity, we can make a great stew. Researching this cancer support center has nourished and energized me in ways I never imagined--then I got a cold, but I am pretty sure that's temporary and I am looking forward to moving onto great things. The weather in mid-MO has been phenomenal lately, I hope everyone is taking advantage, with love, Lisa
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