I have not been blogging regularly. I thought about it, but decided there wasn't much to say. Bo is great, except for the fact that he sometimes shows evidence of becoming a moody teen, and he logs over 3000 text messages a month--I am still trying to figure out how I feel about that, proud, worried, scared? There are few things still percolating in that story, like our concern that his monitoring may be overly intensive now that we are certain we know what he has, but other than that, I figured the literary well had run dry.
My friends have finally convinced me otherwise. I have had two years of hell, really. I am still trying to figure out why the universe chose to deliver me the nastiest karma pie ever, all at once. Was I really that terrible in my life? I suppose that considering I have felt incredibly blessed and lucky, but I have not been totally innocent of wrongdoing, in thought, word, AND deed, I deserved some comeuppance, but all at once? So, after wallowing in sadness, fear and uncertainty for over a year, I decided to let it out. Bad things happen even to the best people, and maybe if I write about it, we will all find ways to make dealing with it easier.
But that's all for today, too much to untangle quickly, but I figured if I said I will, then I will. However, in the short term, work is keeping me busy, plus it is combine season and I have a football player to feed--don't you wish you needed 5000 calories a day? Thanks for inspiring me!
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Bo's Fifteen Minutes
It was Andy Warhol (who was, I might add, a Carnegie Mellon student...) who said that we all get 15 minutes of fame. I joke about this notion a lot. Pierce was due on December 30th and I told everyone that I DID NOT want a New Year's baby because when I finally got my 15 minutes, I wanted to be wearing clothes AND makeup! Well, I hope Bo hasn't had his 15 minutes--'cause that would really be a bummer--especially now that we are pretty darn sure he never even had cancer! If you are interested in the gory details, you can go to www.uscap.org and read his case study. Please note that some of the biographic details are wrong, but let's face it, Dr. Vargas was only interested in the gory details, not the pretty ones.
And can I say just one more time, that pathologists are just the best and Dr. Vargas is my hero? She presented Bo's case at the annual pathology conference and by the end of the discussion, there was not a dissenting opinion in the room. Plus, in preparation for the conference she did one more genetic test to determine that Bo does indeed have a marker for pleomorphic adenoma. So, what he had needed to be removed since any abnormal growth can become cancer if left long enough. The fact that it had already spread also probably meant that malignancy or further spread was probable if left to its own devices, but divine providence said we needed to find it and so the rest is history.
She said that Bo really has no more chance of having a recurrence than any of the rest of us have of having a single occurence of pleomorphic adenoma, but his monitoring schedule should probably still be followed since there is always a risk that a portion was left behind and may still be growing. So, that makes this blog really boring now, but I think I will keep it for a while, I can continue to let you know when Bo has his check-ups and hopefully at some point I will get back to business and tell you about the plans for the cancer center which have been on the back burner for a long time, but will be resurrected one day when life settles back down.
For now, Bo's last scans were Monday and he's all clear. He's also getting better at being poked and prodded, so the visits are much less traumatic than they used to be. So life in CoMO is good, the weather is beautiful and life is just magical--best to you and yours this fall season--my favorite and talk to you soon! With love, Lisa
And can I say just one more time, that pathologists are just the best and Dr. Vargas is my hero? She presented Bo's case at the annual pathology conference and by the end of the discussion, there was not a dissenting opinion in the room. Plus, in preparation for the conference she did one more genetic test to determine that Bo does indeed have a marker for pleomorphic adenoma. So, what he had needed to be removed since any abnormal growth can become cancer if left long enough. The fact that it had already spread also probably meant that malignancy or further spread was probable if left to its own devices, but divine providence said we needed to find it and so the rest is history.
She said that Bo really has no more chance of having a recurrence than any of the rest of us have of having a single occurence of pleomorphic adenoma, but his monitoring schedule should probably still be followed since there is always a risk that a portion was left behind and may still be growing. So, that makes this blog really boring now, but I think I will keep it for a while, I can continue to let you know when Bo has his check-ups and hopefully at some point I will get back to business and tell you about the plans for the cancer center which have been on the back burner for a long time, but will be resurrected one day when life settles back down.
For now, Bo's last scans were Monday and he's all clear. He's also getting better at being poked and prodded, so the visits are much less traumatic than they used to be. So life in CoMO is good, the weather is beautiful and life is just magical--best to you and yours this fall season--my favorite and talk to you soon! With love, Lisa
Thursday, June 11, 2009
How do You Measure a Year?
I am so excited that CEC has RENT on their lineup this season! RENT and Into the Woods, two of my favorites and perfect fodder for our one year anniversary. Roxanne reminded me that I never updated the blog after Bo's scans. They were clear, and here we are again in baseball season--right where we were last year when everything fell apart. June 10th, yesterday made it one year since the pool accident. And what an amazing year it's been. Bo had cancer, we totalled our old car, I got sued, but everything has worked out and life goes on. But as I contemplate life, which I do a lot, there are two songs--one from each musical--that hold even more special meaning for me since last year. I leave them for you to consider--some words need no elaboration. And let it serve as a teaser to CEC's next season--be there, community theater rocks!
RENT--Seasons of Love (abbreviated slightly):
525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear.
525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?
How about love? Measure in love. Seasons of love.
525,600 minutes! 525,000 journeys to plan.
525,600 minutes - how can you measure the life of a woman or man?
In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned, or the way that she died....
It's time now to sing out, the story never ends let's celebrate
remember a year in the life of friends.
How about love! Measure in love. Seasons of love!
Into the Woods--Children Will Listen (abbreviated slightly):
How do you say to your child in the night?
Nothing's all black, but then nothing's all white
How do you say it will all be all right
When you know that it might not be true?
What do you do?
Careful the things you say
Children will listen
Careful the things you do
Children will see and learn
Children may not obey, but children will listen
Children will look to you for which way to turn
To learn what to be
Careful before you say "Listen to me"
Children will listen
Careful the wish you make
Wishes are children
Careful the path they take
Wishes come true, not free
Careful the spell you cast
Not just on children
Sometimes the spell may last
Past what you can see
And turn against you
Careful the tale you tell
That is the spell
Children will listen
How can you say to a child who's in flight
"Don't slip away and I won't hold so tight"
What can you say that no matter how slight
Won't be misunderstood
What do you leave to your child when you're dead?
Only whatever you put in it's head
Things that you're mother and father had said
Which were left to them too
Careful what you say
Children will listen
Careful you do it too
Children will see
And learn, oh guide them that step away
Children will glisten
Tample with what is true
And children will turn
If just to be free
Careful before you say
"Listen to me"
RENT--Seasons of Love (abbreviated slightly):
525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear.
525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?
How about love? Measure in love. Seasons of love.
525,600 minutes! 525,000 journeys to plan.
525,600 minutes - how can you measure the life of a woman or man?
In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned, or the way that she died....
It's time now to sing out, the story never ends let's celebrate
remember a year in the life of friends.
How about love! Measure in love. Seasons of love!
Into the Woods--Children Will Listen (abbreviated slightly):
How do you say to your child in the night?
Nothing's all black, but then nothing's all white
How do you say it will all be all right
When you know that it might not be true?
What do you do?
Careful the things you say
Children will listen
Careful the things you do
Children will see and learn
Children may not obey, but children will listen
Children will look to you for which way to turn
To learn what to be
Careful before you say "Listen to me"
Children will listen
Careful the wish you make
Wishes are children
Careful the path they take
Wishes come true, not free
Careful the spell you cast
Not just on children
Sometimes the spell may last
Past what you can see
And turn against you
Careful the tale you tell
That is the spell
Children will listen
How can you say to a child who's in flight
"Don't slip away and I won't hold so tight"
What can you say that no matter how slight
Won't be misunderstood
What do you leave to your child when you're dead?
Only whatever you put in it's head
Things that you're mother and father had said
Which were left to them too
Careful what you say
Children will listen
Careful you do it too
Children will see
And learn, oh guide them that step away
Children will glisten
Tample with what is true
And children will turn
If just to be free
Careful before you say
"Listen to me"
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Spring?
Spring is the time for new growth and regeneration--and floods, I guess, when you live in mid-MO! Flooding was not something I ever really knew anything about before I moved here, or rain without "severe weather warnings." Back east, you could count on spring thunderstorms and we loved them! You could sit outside and watch the amazing natural light show, get soaked, and appreciate the fact that everything would sparkle in the morning. Once we moved to Missouri, we learned that rain is seldom a cleansing shower, it is a fear invoking, life threatening ordeal.
That has changed lately. In the last couple years, we've had a lot of regular rain. This year, it seems it doesn't really want to stop. But that's life isn't it? You never get what you expect because as soon as you think you have some kind of nice normal pattern, something or someone throws a wrench in the whole darn plan! So you learn to appreciate the changes and the surprise and new experiences they might bring, or mourn what you've lost.
So we come into this spring with a new appreciation for life and newness and how things can turn on a dime, but dreary storms can bring a new sheen to situations that once looked quite muddy and unattractive. Monday Bo has his quarterly scans and we have no reason to think everything won't be well, but it will represent almost a year since we started out little cancer trip and the start of what we hope will be a nice normal summer for Bo. But we'll let y'all know after we get the results on Monday.
Have a great spring! Lisa
That has changed lately. In the last couple years, we've had a lot of regular rain. This year, it seems it doesn't really want to stop. But that's life isn't it? You never get what you expect because as soon as you think you have some kind of nice normal pattern, something or someone throws a wrench in the whole darn plan! So you learn to appreciate the changes and the surprise and new experiences they might bring, or mourn what you've lost.
So we come into this spring with a new appreciation for life and newness and how things can turn on a dime, but dreary storms can bring a new sheen to situations that once looked quite muddy and unattractive. Monday Bo has his quarterly scans and we have no reason to think everything won't be well, but it will represent almost a year since we started out little cancer trip and the start of what we hope will be a nice normal summer for Bo. But we'll let y'all know after we get the results on Monday.
Have a great spring! Lisa
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Life with and without cancer...
So, it was a week, to be sure. Bo had his scans on Monday, and pre-op. The scans were clear and his procedure went as well as could be expected. He is a little sore and had to miss Show Me State Games with his basketball team, but such is life. At least his port is gone. But there was some sadness around the fact that we will no longer be able to find Bo with a metal detector--fortunately he keeps growing so chances of losing him get slimmer every day.
However, I still feel like I live in a strange cancer epicenter. We recently found out that one of Jay's colleagues has a terrible case of bile duct cancer, and a new friend of mine found out that she is facing a cancer recurrence. After six years, she must face the confusion and fear of treatment. Fighting for all the little bits of information, trying to make the best choices and understand all the options all while caring for a family and not finding the best support is not something I wish on anyone.
So, on Friday night I put the boys to bed and I cried--for closure and relief, or perhaps for mourning, maybe in grief, I'm not really sure. I just know that I have arrived at "a certain age" (I still maintain I am 32) where death and dying and family problems will be a very real part of life. It is true that without sadness, you don't get to fully appreciate the happiness, but why is it that life experiences seem to come in the wrong order? Who doesn't look back on their youth and wish that they could do it over with just a fraction of the wisdom and confidence of an adult--just live it up knowing that whatever Suzie said about you to Brian on Tuesday will not matter past Wednesday. And who doesn't wish that just a few of life's difficulties could come a little earlier so that we could be better prepared. Hell, even if I could have had allergies or knee problems earlier in life, I might have worked harder to take care of myself...well, or not...
All I know is that I will never be able to look at people the same again, for better and for worse. I much better appreciate all the trouble people carry, but I am less tolerant of selfishness. How is it that some people can't or won't come through? Why does crisis bring out the best in some and the worst in others? As our country faces what are bound to be a rough couple years, I wonder that same about all crises, not just cancer and health problems. Why are there so many people doing great things, and yet so many Madoffs who will take all they can and run. Where is the happiness in that?
Anyway, too many issues too big for me. I can't even get a couple cancer support teams running, for heaven's sake! We tried, for those of you wondering, we started a team for preteens struggling with the loss of a parent, but the bottom line is there isn't enough TIME in a week! But, now thanks to an inquiry from a kind woman named Rita in Macon (who happened to work at MODOT in what I think is the best office building ever) we are investigating the possibility of "virtual teams." Since kids are so much more comfortable online than they are even in person, there has to be a way to use Facebook, or Yahoo Groups, or even plain e-mail to facilitate online support teams.
So, we are still working on developing the Cancer Club and if anyone has any ideas, feel free to share. Hope everyone has a great Valentine's Day--I personally think the holiday is a scam, but I am very fond of chocolate strawberries from the Candy Factory and the lovely boxes of Godiva you can get on clearance the week after! Life is short, so be thankful for small graces, Lisa
However, I still feel like I live in a strange cancer epicenter. We recently found out that one of Jay's colleagues has a terrible case of bile duct cancer, and a new friend of mine found out that she is facing a cancer recurrence. After six years, she must face the confusion and fear of treatment. Fighting for all the little bits of information, trying to make the best choices and understand all the options all while caring for a family and not finding the best support is not something I wish on anyone.
So, on Friday night I put the boys to bed and I cried--for closure and relief, or perhaps for mourning, maybe in grief, I'm not really sure. I just know that I have arrived at "a certain age" (I still maintain I am 32) where death and dying and family problems will be a very real part of life. It is true that without sadness, you don't get to fully appreciate the happiness, but why is it that life experiences seem to come in the wrong order? Who doesn't look back on their youth and wish that they could do it over with just a fraction of the wisdom and confidence of an adult--just live it up knowing that whatever Suzie said about you to Brian on Tuesday will not matter past Wednesday. And who doesn't wish that just a few of life's difficulties could come a little earlier so that we could be better prepared. Hell, even if I could have had allergies or knee problems earlier in life, I might have worked harder to take care of myself...well, or not...
All I know is that I will never be able to look at people the same again, for better and for worse. I much better appreciate all the trouble people carry, but I am less tolerant of selfishness. How is it that some people can't or won't come through? Why does crisis bring out the best in some and the worst in others? As our country faces what are bound to be a rough couple years, I wonder that same about all crises, not just cancer and health problems. Why are there so many people doing great things, and yet so many Madoffs who will take all they can and run. Where is the happiness in that?
Anyway, too many issues too big for me. I can't even get a couple cancer support teams running, for heaven's sake! We tried, for those of you wondering, we started a team for preteens struggling with the loss of a parent, but the bottom line is there isn't enough TIME in a week! But, now thanks to an inquiry from a kind woman named Rita in Macon (who happened to work at MODOT in what I think is the best office building ever) we are investigating the possibility of "virtual teams." Since kids are so much more comfortable online than they are even in person, there has to be a way to use Facebook, or Yahoo Groups, or even plain e-mail to facilitate online support teams.
So, we are still working on developing the Cancer Club and if anyone has any ideas, feel free to share. Hope everyone has a great Valentine's Day--I personally think the holiday is a scam, but I am very fond of chocolate strawberries from the Candy Factory and the lovely boxes of Godiva you can get on clearance the week after! Life is short, so be thankful for small graces, Lisa
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Scheduled to be Deported
That's right, while he is not an illegal immigrant, Bo will be deported on Friday, February 6th. He will go in for scans on Monday, and do all his pre-op, then if everything is clear, and we expect it to be, he will report on Friday at 5:30 for 7:00 surgery. The removal should only take 30-40 minutes, then when he is awake and taking fluids he gets to go home. The end of a long year will soon be here. I may blog more later, but now I have to go work! Have a great day, Lisa
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
The Thankful Season
Bah humbug--I'm a Scrooge! I don't understand how Black Friday shopping got all mixed up with the virgin birth of the father of Christianity. I think a few years of working retail cured me of any former love and fascination with the winter holidays. Or, on second thought, maybe it was the Christmas I scratched my cornea decorating the tree and I had to drive myself to the hospital in the middle of the night but the pain was so bad I had to pull over to throw up--no I am pretty sure it was retail.
I worked at Marshall Fields, in china and gourmet the Christmas I was pregnant with Pierce, a job I did for several years and LOVED until that particular Xmas season. Besides the usual crabby customers and merchandise mix-ups, that year there was the day that I was fully eight months pregnant helping a customer who had purchased pillows. While she was in line in our department she decided she needed a box, but she and her companion also decided they needed to go back and get the matching pillow since it was likely it would be gone if the recipient decided they needed two after the holidays(this was a decorative pillow, so supply was always uncertain). I told her that while I was perfectly willing to get a box, if they were going back over there, it would be easier for all concerned, especially the other ten customers in line, for them to get a box while purchasing the second pillow because I would also have to go all the way over there to find a box that big. Well, this woman looked at me up and down and said "it's probably better that you go get the box since you obviously need the exercise." Mind you, each of my children gave me ten pounds I have never been able to lose so someone might fairly say that to me now, but I was in great shape at that point in my life, but HELLO, I was eight months pregnant and my only concession to getting larger was size 10 clothes versus the 6s I was wearing previously. I was hardly fat, and even if I was, who was she to tell me I needed exercise? Then there was the horrible woman who insisted that I find some obscure piece of holiday china that she had to have right that moment which required me to climb to the very top of the seven foot ladder in the storage room and perch precariously over the shelf, again while eight months pregnant!
This year we are hosting Jay's colleagues at our house for a holiday party. This will not be a big to-do since I know and love all of them, and they know us and our common existence with our very bad dogs and two children, but there has been a lot of work we have needed to finish on our house and my beloved decided we should finish it before the party on Sunday. So, we are painting. We finally removed the blinds Homer destroyed (that's also another story that is worth telling someday, but in summary I personally KNOW someone that was featured on America's Most Wanted--how's that for a teaser?) and painted the window frames that have been hidden for at least 10, but more like 30 years... Oh, and then there is the matter of what used to be the "playroom" that I so lovingly decorated for my babies that Bo now calls his room--that he wanted Tiger Gold. Anyone considering Tiger Gold may want to visit our house before purchasing paint--it is SOME color, that is all I can say.
So between horrible memories of holiday retail, a dog that loves poopsicles, painting--which I HATE, and our Christmas decorations in a half-done state, I am not lovin' the holiday season. But, it is not only the season of rampant commercialization, hyperbolic consumerism and wanton greed, it is also a season of faith, love and thankfulness--that I get. So I wanted to share my top ten list of things for which I am thankful!
1. Pathologists, oncologists, nurses and other health professionals
2. Friends, both known and unknown who hold you up when you need it most
3. Farmers and all the people who perform daily hard labor with little recognition
4. Voters, no matter who they voted for--for keeping the dream alive
5. Teachers and coaches who give their lives to shape the lives of others
6. Emergency service professionals who risk their lives for our safety
7. Dogs, even the ones who eat poopsicles, for making life a little lighter
8. Patrons of the arts who maintain our culture, especially in tough times
9. My Super Suppers colleagues for making it a joy to be a small business owner
10. Jay, Pierce and Bo, for making life worth living, even in the dark hours
I hope everyone takes some time to appreciate what we all have, even when the economy is at its worst, we will still have more than so many and we must never forget the pains it took to achieve. Have a wonderful holiday season, filled with love and laughter, skip the stores, all the stuff is cheaper in January anyway. With love, Lisa
I worked at Marshall Fields, in china and gourmet the Christmas I was pregnant with Pierce, a job I did for several years and LOVED until that particular Xmas season. Besides the usual crabby customers and merchandise mix-ups, that year there was the day that I was fully eight months pregnant helping a customer who had purchased pillows. While she was in line in our department she decided she needed a box, but she and her companion also decided they needed to go back and get the matching pillow since it was likely it would be gone if the recipient decided they needed two after the holidays(this was a decorative pillow, so supply was always uncertain). I told her that while I was perfectly willing to get a box, if they were going back over there, it would be easier for all concerned, especially the other ten customers in line, for them to get a box while purchasing the second pillow because I would also have to go all the way over there to find a box that big. Well, this woman looked at me up and down and said "it's probably better that you go get the box since you obviously need the exercise." Mind you, each of my children gave me ten pounds I have never been able to lose so someone might fairly say that to me now, but I was in great shape at that point in my life, but HELLO, I was eight months pregnant and my only concession to getting larger was size 10 clothes versus the 6s I was wearing previously. I was hardly fat, and even if I was, who was she to tell me I needed exercise? Then there was the horrible woman who insisted that I find some obscure piece of holiday china that she had to have right that moment which required me to climb to the very top of the seven foot ladder in the storage room and perch precariously over the shelf, again while eight months pregnant!
This year we are hosting Jay's colleagues at our house for a holiday party. This will not be a big to-do since I know and love all of them, and they know us and our common existence with our very bad dogs and two children, but there has been a lot of work we have needed to finish on our house and my beloved decided we should finish it before the party on Sunday. So, we are painting. We finally removed the blinds Homer destroyed (that's also another story that is worth telling someday, but in summary I personally KNOW someone that was featured on America's Most Wanted--how's that for a teaser?) and painted the window frames that have been hidden for at least 10, but more like 30 years... Oh, and then there is the matter of what used to be the "playroom" that I so lovingly decorated for my babies that Bo now calls his room--that he wanted Tiger Gold. Anyone considering Tiger Gold may want to visit our house before purchasing paint--it is SOME color, that is all I can say.
So between horrible memories of holiday retail, a dog that loves poopsicles, painting--which I HATE, and our Christmas decorations in a half-done state, I am not lovin' the holiday season. But, it is not only the season of rampant commercialization, hyperbolic consumerism and wanton greed, it is also a season of faith, love and thankfulness--that I get. So I wanted to share my top ten list of things for which I am thankful!
1. Pathologists, oncologists, nurses and other health professionals
2. Friends, both known and unknown who hold you up when you need it most
3. Farmers and all the people who perform daily hard labor with little recognition
4. Voters, no matter who they voted for--for keeping the dream alive
5. Teachers and coaches who give their lives to shape the lives of others
6. Emergency service professionals who risk their lives for our safety
7. Dogs, even the ones who eat poopsicles, for making life a little lighter
8. Patrons of the arts who maintain our culture, especially in tough times
9. My Super Suppers colleagues for making it a joy to be a small business owner
10. Jay, Pierce and Bo, for making life worth living, even in the dark hours
I hope everyone takes some time to appreciate what we all have, even when the economy is at its worst, we will still have more than so many and we must never forget the pains it took to achieve. Have a wonderful holiday season, filled with love and laughter, skip the stores, all the stuff is cheaper in January anyway. With love, Lisa
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