The Answer

When you seek your destiny the universe conspires to assist. I believe that and knew that if I waited, the answer would just come. And so I think it has. Columbia, and in fact, the whole world, needs a system of integrated Cancer Centers. A place where people go to get support--whether it is information, financial, or especially emotional. I think when the idea comes to it's true fruition, it will be a physical place, but for now, a network of support groups would be a good place to start.

We had the privilege last week of attending a tailgate and the MU game for Childhood Cancer Awareness Days. It was a small group--it was raining--but it was very comfortable to be in a crowd of people who all "got it." To see kids in the battle, graduates, nurses, doctors, and everyone else all there for the same reason meant we didn't have to talk about it, or explain, but we could just have fun. But the whole time my thoughts were on the family of a friend who has had to contend with the loss of a father to cancer, a sudden death of a grandfather, and the loss of a pigeon and a dog, all in a span of about two months.

The one thought that kept resonating in my head, though was that Bonnie's beautiful daughter made her go get a mammogram because she did not want to lose two parents to cancer. How powerful is that? How scary is it for anyone to know that they could lose everyone to the same dreaded cause? It's possible, but we don't think that way. We could have lost a son this summer to cancer, not something I ever thought of even on my most dreary day. Car accident, freak baseball or pool accident, even choking, but not cancer at the age of ten. But kids who lose someone to cancer might fear it forever, and people shouldn't have to live in fear.

So we have to take the power away. Cancer is fast becoming more chronic in many of it's forms. There have been great advances in breast cancer, certain kinds of melanoma, leukemia, etc. Not enough, I would never argue that, but CANCER doesn't have to carry the same power it did even ten years ago. But when I started thinking about it, about all the people who told me their stories and told me that my blog is therapeutic--I thought, how is it that there isn't an organized network of support for all the people touched by cancer? By doing that, and sharing the wealth of information and giving people a place to go, first virtual, then hopefully real physical places, everywhere, like Ronald McDonald Houses for cancer, we can take the negative energy associated with cancer and turn it into a positive force of hope.

That's the plan, feedback is good, volunteers are great, and a NAME would be wonderful. My first thought that grew out of thinking about Bonnie's daughter was that people who take this journey need to know that they will NEVER BE ALONE, but there are lot's of organizations with names like that. I also thought about hope and that if we want to have support groups for kids, and we want people to think good thoughts about this place, it needs to have a more inspirational name. I thought about Hope House, Hope's Place, but those names are also overused. My current thinking is that in the spirit of The Vagina Monologues, we should just call it The Cancer Club because that's what it is and it begins the process of stealing the power. It may be a Club no one ever wanted to join, but the reality is that we are all already members--by virtue of being touched by the condition, you could benefit from the service we might offer.

But anyway, I am so incredibly busy, the store is busy and everything in our house seems to be breaking at the same time, so I am spending a lot of time at Lowe's. Plus, school year activities are in full swing--orchestra, Robotics, a new competitive basketball team for Bo, confirmation for Pierce, all has me drowning in paper and events! I need to make many more posts, but I wanted to put that thought out to get some feedback, and to help us with our first goal.

If anyone in the Columbia area knows any kids (perhaps, 8-12 or 13) who have recently lost a parent to cancer who might be interested in getting together with other kids in a similar situation for support, and even some fun, let me know ASAP. You can e-mail me at lwscribner, or call--I am at the store most of the time, 573.446.1823. We have trained psychologists and social workers that have agreed to help us, and we hope to expand to offer more groups, so if you have thoughts on that, let me know that as well. That's all for now, but we are really excited about this project and hope you are, too! With love, Lisa

What Now?

People have told me that they like my blog, that I am a good writer and I have helped and inspired them. That's incredibly humbling, really. I have always been a decent writer, but most of my writing has been limited to dot point summaries, memos and policy briefs--if you want to read any of them, let me know, I have a few grant applications of which I am particularly proud--a definite cure for insomnia! But everything I have ever had the privilege to write, I have written for other people. While this blog is the most selfish endeavor I have ever taken on, I have written it mostly for the people I love, to say things I could never express in real spoken words. Why is that? I never really knew until I finished The Shack, by William P. Young. So as in my last post, consider this excerpt:

[Law] grants you the power to judge others and feel superior to them. You believe you are living to a higher standard than those you judge. Enforcing rules, especially in its more subtle expressions like responsibility and expectation, is a vain attempt to create certainty out of uncertainty… Rules cannot bring freedom; they only have the power to accuse…Responsibilities and expectations are the basis of guilt and shame and judgment, and they provide the essential framework that promotes performance as the basis for identity and value. You know what it is like not to live up to someone’s expectations… The idea behind expectations requires that someone does not know the future or outcome and is trying to control behavior to get the desired result. Humans try to control behavior largely through expectations.

What a powerful statement that is and when you think about it, and how liberating is it to think that if we all live honestly, we might be able to live without rules? Not sports, or traffic, or contract law, we have to start with the basics--the rules that govern our relationships and expectations for each other. Tracy commented here that she could never write like I do, but why not? I think we all have the ability to write when we have something to say. When the life of someone you love more than life itself is at stake, and your heart breaks in a way that makes you immune to shame and ridicule and you can just let your heart speak in a way your head can't or won't, I think we all can write. Because then, we can forget the rules, forget bad grammar and spelling and punctuation. When it's life and death, it's not about being proper anymore, it's about being, just being.

If we could all live believing that we all have the best intentions for everyone, Tracy could write what she needs to without feeling judgment by herself or anyone else. And if we get really good at it, we could even speak that way. Why is it that we tend to appreciate eachother most at the end--the end of a job, the end of a vacation, the end of a life? Pastor Paul was preaching Romans 12 this month, my favorite chapter. In it we learn that we have all been given unique gifts but that together, we form humanity, not one of us alone, or even a few, it takes ALL the gifts, but what are our gifts and how are we supposed to use them? I always tell customers at the store that we are here to take care of food so that they can take care of all the things that are really important to them and that there is no guilt in needing help since we all can't be good at everything.

So, I have struggled with this blog. Should, I keep writing? I love thinking that I can do something that helps someone, but I am really not a writer, and so having fulfilled my selfish purpose, should I stop? I only wish I was someone like Stephen King who has stories that just tumble out of his head. My new favorite is Anne Lamott, and of course who can forget JK Rowling? Then there are the historical greats, Emerson, Whitman, Blake, Dumas, and the playwrights, too. Great writers are amazing people, and I am not one of them, to be sure.

So, lacking sories to tell, hopefully lacking any news on Bo's health, I need a new reason to write. I don't presume anyone will stay and read, but I will write until we figure out where this journey is supposed to end. I will write about my struggle to make something out of the gifts I have been given, and hopefully in writing, I will find others who can help make sense of all our paths, where our collective gifts can come together to make great things happen! But, now that I am not writing out of desperation, I feel myself reverting to judgment and expectation. I am not a great writer, or even a good one and I don't have anything to say. I keep writing and editing and editing and deleting... So for now, I will stop and just publish my random musings. I think in my next post I will tell you about the book I have wanted to write since starting a business! Have a great week, Lisa

I Forgot About The Party!

So, I never gave anyone an update on Bo's Strike Out Cancer Party. First, I'll do that, then I will tell you why. The party was awesome. I think Bo had a great time. All his best buds, new and old came out to have fun with him. I think we had about 80 or so people there for at least part of the time. About half bowled, but I think EVERYONE ate cake and loved it! A friend gave Bo the best card ever, on the front was a VERY FAT orange striped cat, and on the inside it said "Do you think they'll notice the cake is gone." At one point we had seven lanes going, and we are so glad that so many people came out to be with us. The staff at AMF was terrific, brought us lots of soda and popcorn and we fed them cake, too. It was a great day, but for a few things...

One of our new friends, Bonnie--her kids are the same age as ours, same classes as our kids at school last year--lost her husband to cancer in the week before our party. We were so glad to have them there, but the reality of her loss and seeing her in all her beauty and bravery, but also seeing the sadness in Judson and Sophia was more than a little heart breaking. Jay and I both still sometimes get overwhelmed when we think that we dodged a bullet by a hair and feel very deeply for those who don't.

Also, in the preparations for the party, we were trying to get all our thank you notes done. That exercise has been the hardest part of this whole journey, surprisingly. We knew we might see people at the party whose addresses we never managed to save in a reliable place, and there were a few we wanted to hand deliver. But in order to do that, we had to go back through all the things we did keep, try to organize them. Also, actually read many of the for the first time. And I don't mean that like it sounds. We read every card and e-mail, listened to every phone message when they arrived, but I think a lot of them got lost in the fog. A lot of them I only remembered after reading them the second time, but with that second reading, I also remembered the day they came and the feeling I had the first time.

The cascade of emotion that has accompanied writing thank you notes has been very difficult. It has been sad, but it is also just so overwhelming to process that much love and fear and hope and strength all at one time. It is also so overwhelming when you realize there is just no way to thank people. Even just trying to list everyone is difficult--I feel like I should thank the nice woman at the hospital registration desk who checked us in so many days at 6:00 in the morning with a cheerful smile and an encouraging word. But, unfortunately my handwriting is bad on a good day and the first 50 recipients may be lucky enough to read theirs, the next 100 will be questionable, and at some point the returns are diminished enough to make the effort worthless!

So these last few weeks have in some ways been harder than the first few. In the thick of things we were fighting for a purpose. Every minute, every breath was spentin trying to get the best diagnosis and treatment for Bo. But now, what is our purpose? Hence my voracious reading of books like The Shack, Grace (Eventually), and others too many to name. I keep looking for a purpose. Somehow the universe has given us a gift, the Runs for Bo Fund, especially is meant to serve us in a larger way. We have given all our lives and now it was our turn to receive, and we hope to do so gracefully, acknowledge those gifts the best we can, but keep the cycle going--and in that we will find peace with our experience.

But the party was awesome, something we will repeat again sometime. It is great to have an open party and just see who comes. The expectancy of it all was great. Parties too often get caught up in the rules and expectations of friendship and manners and all that unfun stuff, so this was a welcome diversion, just fun after a not-so-fun summer! Thanks to everyone who came out to help Bo celebrate his burthday and end-of-therapy and thanks to all those who couldn't come but thought about us, anyway! With love, Lisa