Why blog?

In their short existence, I have wondered why people blog... I am not an overly private person--my biggest flaw is honesty--I tell lots of people lots of things about myself most people would never disclose. It doesn't matter, people's heads are filled with so much clutter, they won't remember, right? But some people blog--they actually write down things about themselves that EVERYONE in the world can read, so they can look stupid for all eternity--really, we're all stupid sometimes, so why do people write it down? When you're nominated for that great award, whatever means something to you, do you really want your "friend" to send around the photos from the bachelorette party that were posted on someone else's myspace page, or your negative musings about the very organization (like your employer, or the Academy, or whatever) responsible for your getting the award? At least I can deny I ever thought I lost my cheese sandwich in the dryer, or that I once went to an important meeting with the President of Villanova University wearing two different shoes--that is until now. Now it's in my blog, living in cyberspace for all eternity--that should be enough to keep people from becoming escorts to prominent men, but it doesn't, who is that comic Jeanne told me about in the Jeff Foxworthy tradition who say "you can't fix stupid?"

Anyway, I am not down on bloggers, one of my top five heroes was a blogger who I never really knew and would never have known if not for a blog--I will tell you about Amy soon, but not today. And I started another blog, for my business, Super Suppers, I'll write about that sometime too, but not today. What I learned from that is that I am a lousy blogger, for the same reason I am a lousy public speaker. In most cases--I just don't think I have anything worth saying that anyone wants to hear or read! Really, how many times in your life have you listened to speeches? Hundreds, thousands--some people, like journalists must listen to millions--and how many times have you ever said, "gosh I could have listened to that person talk forever," or "wow, that was ONLY 20 minutes, they should have had that person in the program for an hour?" Maybe once, twice, I guess if n=1 million, maybe 7? But how many times have you said "man that windbag would have talked forever if the earthquake hadn't come in the middle of the seventh hour" or something to that effect? LOTS, I bet.

So, in my very long introduction, I have committed what I consider to be one of the ultimate sins. Forget the ten commandments, the greatest sin in my book is WASTING TIME--it's that undiagnosed ADHD in me. Talking or writing about stuff no one cares about is a huge waste of time, and I am one of those people who, without 27 things to do will accomplish exactly nothing. I am one of those odd ducks that LOVES to work and I like to think that because of that unusual wiring, I have had great jobs, paid and unpaid, real and volunteer, and I love that I learn new stuff all the time. And so as I begin my latest adventure, I now understand that blogging is free therapy--considering some of my favorite people are therapists, y'all better watch out--people won't need to pay your hourly rates when they can blog for FREE! And so I will blog, because it feels good, and it accomplishes something I will be unable to do for the better part of the next near--talk.

Why? Because my son has cancer, and I am lucky that there are a lot of people in the world who love him and me, and our family. But the bad part is that they want to know stuff and talk about things and I don't. I am perfectly capable of telling you more than you ever wanted to know about my battle with allergies, or gosh, I delivered two children, I can talk about hemorrhoids if you really want, or about the time I checked myself into the ER because I thought I was dying of a heart attack, and I will be glad to listen to anything anyone else wants to talk about regarding themselves, since I like to think I am a good listener and a good problem solver. However, I CAN NOT AND WILL NOT talk about the possibility that my child might die and every conversation where you tell me "your thoughts and prayer are with us," or even just ask how things are going ultimately ends, in my head, with the thought "but he still might die."

People are all different and we all need support, but we all need it in different ways and I know that some of you are hurting almost as much as I am, that you need support through this too, and I want to do that, but I can only do it my way since every ounce of my strength now has to go to Bo, and keeping myself sane, healthy and happy is the only way I can do that. I am a realist and a pessimistic optimist. I prepare for the worst so I can only ever be pleased. I am a planner by nature, and I can see every possible scenario, and plan for all of them simulataneously and calculate decision trees in my head--but that means I ALWAYS keep that worst case scenario in my head. Only by knowing it can you avoid it, but that doesn't mean I want to talk about it--I just WORK, and I work really hard and really well in a positive way, every day, to make all my dreams come true and leave the world a little better. Jay and I never discuss the fact that if he ever leaves me I will hunt him down, torture him and (this preview has been edited for viewing by all audiences)...--it is just understood, and so we don't NEED to discuss it. And my children know that people die in horrible accidents every day, but we don't discuss it, we just LIVE positively and try to avoid the bad things.

And so we will do the same with this. I will write, and then no one has to force me to talk about it--you can come here. I will post updates about his progress and his treatment, and you can write back and ask questions, and maybe other people will even answer them--we know lots of smart professionals in and around cancer. I'll even waste your time talking about other things you shouldn't care about, but when you call or see me on the street, pretend things are "normal." Talk about the weather, I LOVE weather, talk about laundry, what we should make for dinner--as this is about to become a problem I haven't experienced in a long time--or how kids never listen and raising preteens is problematic, but don't look sad and say "I am thinking about you" because then I will have to do everything I can to choke back the tears and be reminded of the fact that we both know that my child might die. I want to live like normal people and contain that part of my life here. In the rest of the world, I want to laugh and have fun, work hard, and get things done and I want Bo to have great memories despite the treatments--because I want to believe he will have memories of this time, even when he is 70!

I hope this doesn't seem insensitive. It is self-serving, self-centered and self-important--that's what blogging is, right, but through it, people find mutual support. So welcome to the blog and thanks in advance for everything--your thoughts, suggestions, support, prayers and incantations, and most of all for being a part of the journey. We all touch countless lives every single day and none of us would be here without that--the efforts of millions of people, most we don't even know, who work to help us in unseen ways every day. My hour is up, oh, but it was free, so I can do this forever, thanks counselor, I'll see you at my next appointment and then we can discuss the case history... With love, Lisa