Life Expectancy

We are still struggling with the finality of waiting. Our last doctor visit was on Friday. The head and neck specialist cleared us from any worry about a possible primary salivary tumor, and Tuesday we had our end-of-therapy visit in the oncology clinic. So now, once a month until they take it out, we have to visit for maintenance of the port we do not seem to need. They will also do scans and blood work quarterly for a couple years, then with less frequency after that, but at least annually for the rest of his life. Not so bad, but why does it FEEL so bad? Why do we seek closure when in life there is never closure? and what is closure? When do you know you are done?

When I was preparing for surgery, our neighbor--I've spoken about them before, that would be Kerry, the babysitter who raised my kids, Steve and Nancy, the parents and Kevin, ever-present role model for my boys and the one who all his life so patiently tolerated playing basketball with my little Bo--Steve gave me the book Life Expectancy (Dean Koontz) to read during surgery. Could he have known that this story might frame the rest of my life?

If you haven't read it, on the day he is born, Jimmy Tock's grandfather predicts that he will have to endure five terrible days. As the first one nears, his family strategizes how best to protect him. Should all be with him, should they lock him in the house alone? Ultimately he chooses to go about his day as normally as possible since he reasons, if he is to have five terrible days, he must survive at least the first four. The day is terrible but he also meets the woman he marries. So was it terrible, or just inconvenient? The other days come and go, and they are all terrible, but all-in-all he has a great life.

The only certainty any of us have is that one day we will all die. Sorry if that's morbid, but gosh this whole blog is pretty drab! If you were told that you would die in a plane crash, would you choose never to travel? If you knew that one of your children would have to endure cancer, would you choose not to have any? If life were like a game show, would you take the so-so outcome, or keep playing for the chance to win a million? We have to choose to go for it, ultimately, there is no choice. We can't hole up in our houses and wait to die, life is a gift and we have to accept it--even the terrible days.

So at some point soon, I think we will accept waiting and we will put out of our minds that something terrible might happen, but I am pretty sure it will be at least a year from now. The uncertainty of the metastasis is still such a huge dark cloud that no one knows how to process. One of our consulting oncologists finally said the other day that "naming it at this point is academic" but it is clearly malignant with an ability to spread. We will discuss the possibility of a second-look with our surgeon and hope that we have a great year with no new findings.

Expect life, every day, and accept life in all it's wonder and magic--it's all we get, but an amazing gift if you use it to its fullest! Have a great weekend, Lisa