What Now?

People have told me that they like my blog, that I am a good writer and I have helped and inspired them. That's incredibly humbling, really. I have always been a decent writer, but most of my writing has been limited to dot point summaries, memos and policy briefs--if you want to read any of them, let me know, I have a few grant applications of which I am particularly proud--a definite cure for insomnia! But everything I have ever had the privilege to write, I have written for other people. While this blog is the most selfish endeavor I have ever taken on, I have written it mostly for the people I love, to say things I could never express in real spoken words. Why is that? I never really knew until I finished The Shack, by William P. Young. So as in my last post, consider this excerpt:

[Law] grants you the power to judge others and feel superior to them. You believe you are living to a higher standard than those you judge. Enforcing rules, especially in its more subtle expressions like responsibility and expectation, is a vain attempt to create certainty out of uncertainty… Rules cannot bring freedom; they only have the power to accuse…Responsibilities and expectations are the basis of guilt and shame and judgment, and they provide the essential framework that promotes performance as the basis for identity and value. You know what it is like not to live up to someone’s expectations… The idea behind expectations requires that someone does not know the future or outcome and is trying to control behavior to get the desired result. Humans try to control behavior largely through expectations.

What a powerful statement that is and when you think about it, and how liberating is it to think that if we all live honestly, we might be able to live without rules? Not sports, or traffic, or contract law, we have to start with the basics--the rules that govern our relationships and expectations for each other. Tracy commented here that she could never write like I do, but why not? I think we all have the ability to write when we have something to say. When the life of someone you love more than life itself is at stake, and your heart breaks in a way that makes you immune to shame and ridicule and you can just let your heart speak in a way your head can't or won't, I think we all can write. Because then, we can forget the rules, forget bad grammar and spelling and punctuation. When it's life and death, it's not about being proper anymore, it's about being, just being.

If we could all live believing that we all have the best intentions for everyone, Tracy could write what she needs to without feeling judgment by herself or anyone else. And if we get really good at it, we could even speak that way. Why is it that we tend to appreciate eachother most at the end--the end of a job, the end of a vacation, the end of a life? Pastor Paul was preaching Romans 12 this month, my favorite chapter. In it we learn that we have all been given unique gifts but that together, we form humanity, not one of us alone, or even a few, it takes ALL the gifts, but what are our gifts and how are we supposed to use them? I always tell customers at the store that we are here to take care of food so that they can take care of all the things that are really important to them and that there is no guilt in needing help since we all can't be good at everything.

So, I have struggled with this blog. Should, I keep writing? I love thinking that I can do something that helps someone, but I am really not a writer, and so having fulfilled my selfish purpose, should I stop? I only wish I was someone like Stephen King who has stories that just tumble out of his head. My new favorite is Anne Lamott, and of course who can forget JK Rowling? Then there are the historical greats, Emerson, Whitman, Blake, Dumas, and the playwrights, too. Great writers are amazing people, and I am not one of them, to be sure.

So, lacking sories to tell, hopefully lacking any news on Bo's health, I need a new reason to write. I don't presume anyone will stay and read, but I will write until we figure out where this journey is supposed to end. I will write about my struggle to make something out of the gifts I have been given, and hopefully in writing, I will find others who can help make sense of all our paths, where our collective gifts can come together to make great things happen! But, now that I am not writing out of desperation, I feel myself reverting to judgment and expectation. I am not a great writer, or even a good one and I don't have anything to say. I keep writing and editing and editing and deleting... So for now, I will stop and just publish my random musings. I think in my next post I will tell you about the book I have wanted to write since starting a business! Have a great week, Lisa